


The Aftermath

by manloverules_ok



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: M/M, Warning: Richard's accident mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-06-24
Packaged: 2017-12-15 23:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/855367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manloverules_ok/pseuds/manloverules_ok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 43 years, James has never dealt well with emotions. September 20th, 2006, is not the exception to this rule. But in this room, at this moment, with this man, something seems to change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aftermath

It begins in hospital.

But it isn’t any normal hospital – it’s the hospital in Leeds, and somewhere not very far from them Richard is fighting for his life. James hasn’t seen him yet – he can’t even imagine seeing one of his best mates running off of wires and tubes and machines. But he knows that he’s fighting.

James hovers on the edge of the room, not wanting to disturb anyone. He simply watches everyone else, trying not to get wrapped up in emotion. He’s never dealt well with emotions. When he was younger and one of his sisters began crying, he told his mum. When his mum started crying, he told Jane and she sorted it out. In the years that he and Sarah have been together he’s never seen her cry, never seen her at anything other than her best. 

He shows emotions differently than most people – with the opening of a bottle of whisky, the playing of his piano. When he can get lost in the music by himself, fingers cascading over those black and white keys until he feels either better or completely hollow. The fear that he might break in front of any single one of these people – might show the emotions pent up inside of him for so very long – flares up within him and he tries to remain invisible – tries to blend into the wallpaper as white noise of the murmured conversations washes over him. 

It worries him as he watches Jeremy’s stone-faced walls fall slowly but surely. He’s never known Jeremy to be anything but loud and brash. Sure, he knows that the man has a heart of gold that he only shows to the people who matter, but he’s never seen Jeremy so… vulnerable.

People begin to head home, saying they’ll be back in the morning, but Jeremy doesn’t leave, just sits and waits. James leaves as well, but only heads down a few hallways for a cup of cardboard tea. At the last moment he decides to grab Jeremy another cup of coffee. 

When he returns he finds Jeremy alone, head in his hands, palms scrubbing at his face. James hates to disturb him, but he does anyway.

“Here, brought you some coffee,” his words almost echo through the empty room.

Jeremy’s head snaps up so quickly that James knows it’ll hurt the old man in the morning. He holds out the cup and waits for it to be taken. It takes a moment for Jeremy to realise before he takes the hot cardboard cup from his fingers.

“Thanks, May, thought you left with the others.”

“Not yet, wanted to make sure you were okay,” James can’t believe the words that have escaped his mouth. He’s never cared about emotions before, doesn’t know what to do with them besides stand there awkwardly, and yet he’s asking a visibly broken Jeremy Clarkson how he’s feeling.

“Okay? Dammit, James, of course I’m not okay. This is all my fault. When he brought the idea up I should’ve stopped him. I should’ve said no. I should’ve told Andy that it was a stupid fucking idea – but I didn’t.”

James stares at the cup of coffee in Jeremy’s hands and is mesmerised by its sloshing, closer and closer to spilling, as Jeremy gestures wildly with his hands. The black waves threaten to tumble over the polystyrene edges – but they never do. If James were a superstitious man, he would take this as some sort of a sign, but he isn’t, so he just takes a sip of the dishwater tea. 

He sits down in the seat next to Jeremy and sighs, “Jeremy, if this is anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

Jeremy looks at him with a quizzical look on his face.

“It should have been me in that contraption, Jez, remember? But I was already booked for that day. If I would’ve been the one in that car, as soon as we’d have gotten the shot I’d have been on my way home. Or if it had happened to me – you know what would have happened. I’m taller than him, Jez, it would’ve taken my head clean off.”

Jeremy winces at the words falling out of James’s mouth.

“But then at least it would’ve been me. There wouldn’t be the fanfare there is now. Just, ‘That other Top Gear bloke dies… in other news…’”

“James –”

“And there wouldn’t be all this waiting – we know he’s going to pull through, he’s a fighter. I would have given up –”

“James –”

“And if it were me no one would care – I leave no one behind except that mangy cat of –”

He stops talking at that point as Jeremy’s fist curls into the front of his stripey jumper and he’s pulled toward the taller man with probably more force than necessary. But then he finds himself being kissed – Jeremy’s dry lips on his and he can’t help but flounder like a drowning man. The feeling that he should push Jeremy away bubbles up inside him, but then Jeremy’s hand uncurls from his shirt and slides up his chest and over his neck to rest cupping James’s cheek and his entire world flips upside down – he kisses Jeremy back with all of the pent up emotions he’s been hiding the past twelve hours.

Somewhere deep down, James knows this is wrong – knows they shouldn’t be doing this while Richard is fighting for his life, but he can’t help himself, can’t deny himself this insane release when it’s been offered to him. 

They’re breathless when they part and Jeremy leaves their foreheads pressed together, still breathing the same air, millimetres between them.

“Don’t you ever fucking say that no one would miss you if it would’ve been you.”


End file.
